For a large chunk of my adolescence and up until a couple of years ago, I subconsciously felt that in order to connect with people, I had to impress them in some way. I had to earn their approval. I was not even sure how I was impressing them, or what explicitly I had to do to earn their approval, I just knew that I had to do something. Whether this was to look the most pretty, wear the best clothes, talk a certain way, be extra nice, bring up cool things, whatever it was. I felt that this was my “in.”
The need to seek approval was strongest when I was in high school. Still, though, it followed me to college. During this time, I earned people’s approval by working the hardest. If I could, for example, choose a difficult major, people would think I am smart and hard-working, and therefore like me. If I could spend hours in the library, or wake up early, show that I am staying busy, then people will be impressed by me. And then, the doors to connection could open from there.
The Effects of Low Self Esteem
This constant pressure to always be “on,” to always be doing something to look good to others, exhausted me. What I didn’t know was that constant approval seeking (from low self- esteem) can hurt our nervous system. Evolutionarily, connections and acceptance led to survival (Braren, 2024). Social rejection is coded in the same brain regions as physical pain is, and pain is a way that our bodies send us signals to keep us safe from threats (Kross et al., 2011) (Schubiner 2013). Additionally, in modern day, a perceived threat to our ability to connect (i.e., low self esteem) triggers our amygdala (which detects threats to survival) (Yanagisawa et al., 2015). Higher amygdala activity then leads to a heightened stress response, which over time leads to symptoms of chronic stress such as exhaustion, muscle tension, and headaches (Cleveland Clinic, nd). All in all, low self – esteem is stressful to our body because it threatens a pillar of our survival.
Self Compassion
This demand to impress seemed to slowly disappear when I learned about self-compassion. I had heard the term cycling through Instagram, but really first learned about it through a podcast I found on Spotify (the exact episode, one that I still use often, can be found here).
There are many definitions of what self-compassion is. I see it as the act of cultivating a sense of self -love. I also see it as a reinstallment of the sense of inherent human worth that society takes from us. When we already have so many factors throughout our lives telling us we are not good enough, self-compassion acts like a deterrent. Self-compassion says things like “I am trying my best, and maybe that is enough,” and “I am worthy exactly as I am.”
Self-Compassion in Action
What can self-compassion look like and do we cultivate it? It can start with positive self-talk and reframing your thoughts. For me, any time a negative thought would come up, such as “Why did you say that? You sounded so stupid,” or something bigger like, “She will never like you,” I would meet it with something positive. To the first one, I would tell myself “I tried my best” and to the second, I would tell myself “Why would you think that?” When I first began this process, I noticed these positive responses becoming more automatic than the negative ones, therefore lessening.
What this type of reframing brought to my life was lower levels of anxiety in social situations, a newfound sense of self-love, and a sense of freedom to do what I want, not to seek approval.
My experience is not a fluke — self-compassion works according to science. Research shows that “self-compassion is associated with activation in areas of the brain linked to emotional regulation and self-referential processing” (Dorvil, 2024). Additionally, self-compassion results in improved “cognitive flexibility, helping individuals redirect self-critical thoughts and cope better with failures, ultimately boosting self-esteem (Etkin et al., 2015)” (Dorvil, 2024).
It would be ideal if we lived in a world where our sense of inherent worth wasn’t taken away from us; but these tools for now will do, and can be very powerful.
References
Dorvil, T. (2024, December 18). The role of self-compassion in enhancing self-esteem: Connections with brain function and behavior. Holy Family University. https://www.holyfamily.edu/about/news-and-media/hfu-blog-network/role-self-compassion-enhancing-self-esteem-connections-brain-function-and-behavior#:~:text=These%20findings%20highlight%20the%20importance,its%20importance%20in%20counseling%20psychology.
Kross, E., Berman, M. G., Mischel, W., Smith, E. E., & Wager, T. D. (2011, April 12). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3076808/#:~:text=The%20consensus%20that%20has%20emerged,the%20feeling%20of%20social%20rejection.
Stephen Braren, Ph. D. (2023, July 26). The evolution of Social Connection as a basic human need. Social Creatures. https://www.thesocialcreatures.org/thecreaturetimes/evolution-of-social-connection
What is stress?. Cleveland Clinic. (2025, June 2). https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/11874-stress
Yanagisawa, K., Abe, N., Kashima, E. S., & Nomura, M. (2015, November 16). Self-esteem modulates amygdala-ventrolateral prefrontal cortex connectivity in response to mortality threats. Journal of experimental psychology. General. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26569130/
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