Shame makes us feel like we are inherently flawed or inadequate in some way. It threatens our sense of connection, and therefore triggers the stress response, producing a felt sense, rather than mere cognitive thoughts, of unworthiness, brain fog, and a sense of being watched and in the spotlight (Firefly Therapy Austin).
The feeling of shame is one that keeps the patriarchy alive. The system shames men, and then men shame women. In more modern times, women then shame men, and then the cycle continues.
Shame is such a powerful emotion for keeping the culture of the patriarchy alive because it keeps the responsibility at the individual level. When shame is triggered, it tells the person “I am bad,” and “I am inadequate” and sends a felt sense of unworthiness. We cannot challenge the system, let alone recognize its effects on us, when we feel personally at fault in such a strong way. When feel shame, we feel isolated, like our problems are subject to us only, and we are unable to look to our external influences.
Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar
Kaveh Akbar’s novel, Martyr! (2024) illustrates the transfer of shame particularly well.
Roya’s Point of View
Ten-year-old Roya, a character in the book, had woken up covered in urine for several days over the past month. She has internalized this action – having peed herself – as a sign of her fundamentally inadequate character. After waking up in her wet bed one particular day, she changed her clothes and showered. Even after this, she still “could smell the dank must,” (65). Shame stays with us; our actions that cause us to feel shame become amplified. Though she had new clothes on and had freshly showered, actions that would lead to a fresh scent, she still perceived the smell of the pee on her body because it was the pee on her body that made her feel shameful.
Additionally, the pee “scent wasn’t so much on her as it was of her, compositional,” (65). The fact that Roya considered the pee scent “compositional” illustrates that she perceives the pee scent having signaled something about her inner character. This is how shame makes us feel – that every negative action signals not a mistake, not a fluke, not a normal, common human flaw, but a symptom of our inadequate inner self.
Shame follows us even after we have done something embarrassing. When experiencing shame, our nervous systems are on high alert for any ridicule or rejection because it is then that we can act for our safety. In school, Roya “studied the faces of classmates, trying to figure out which ones could smell her stink. Every glance, every furrowed brow, seemed to Roya to be directly at, because of her, “ (65).
On this particular day after waking up with a wet bed, she made sure to not drink any water, so that the next morning she could wake up dry. Her brother says to her, “Can you please control yourself tonight…It stinks enough in here already,” (66). This likely contributed to the shame, as she said, “And she knew he was right too. They both wanted the same thing,” (66).
The shame that Roya felt at school day due to having peed herself led to an internalization of a comment that her teacher said. The teacher asked students to name a word that sounded beautiful, but that was not itself beautiful. Roya said the word, “Bini,” which is the Persian word for nose. The teacher’s response, “The nose itself is not beautiful, but listen to the word,” (65) stuck with her. She reports later having insecurity about her nose: “She was at times obsessed, devastated, by her own nose’s sweeping bigness,” (65).
A Surprising End
The end of the chapter startled me. It ends with, “Roya was dreaming of flowers… When she woke, it was to a hiss, like a balloon deflating. She felt a pressure around her, a folding into space. She didn’t move but opened her eyes a little in the dark. Standing over her in her bed was Arash. Her brother’s pants were unzipped; he was urinating directly onto her,” (67).
This startled me and confused me. What does the fact that Arash peed on her say about Roya’s previous feelings of shame? The reader gets more answers in a later part of the book – a chapter told from Arash’s point of view.
Arash’s Point of View
In a following chapter, Arash alternates between discussing his experience in the army and a particular childhood memory.
Inability to Express Vulnerability
Arash discusses his enlistment in the military as unavoidable, as something that he has to do: “For my part, I don’t feel much one way or another about my service. For me, it is inescapable, a thing like sickness or death,” (119). He seems to be accepting of this fate because there would be no point in resisting; “I enlist because I have to enlist,” (118). He even describes his own life as without purpose, and meaningless: “Expendable may seem a bad word to use to describe your own life, except I actually find it liberating. The way it vents away all pressure to become. How it asks only that you be,” (120). This shows that he faces patriarchal constraints on his own life.
When arrives at a “makeshift training camp,” (120) in a cold environment surrounded by mountains, he is reminded of a childhood memory in similar conditions. It was not only this similarity in environment that prompted this particular childhood memory, but fear that prompted it — fear of being in the military and fear of running down a steep hill toward a pond.
The Childhood Memory of Wanting to Transfer Shame
In this memory, he and his sister took a trip to a nearby pond. It is this memory where the reader sees that Arash wants to transfer his shame to his sister. Arash and Roya begin to play around for a bit, and walk to the top of a hill, looking down at a pond below. Roya says, “Let’s race down the hill toward the water. The first person to stop running and let go is a coward!” (122).
They race down, and Arash is very fearful as they are taking the plunge (124). He trips and stops short before Roya lets go of his hand and continues down the hill, and ultimately she hurtles into the pond. He walks down the hill and Roya finally bobs her head up. Arash felt shameful for being afraid of running down the hill and wants to make Roya feel the same way. He says, “When Roya was lying there heaving on her mud, that pond mud, I wanted to strangle her. Not to hurt her exactly, but to make her feel afraid, afraid the way I felt afraid, or afraid the way I felt I should have felt afraid, the way I felt blocked from feeling,” (128).
Previously, Arash shows signs of internalizing standards of masculinity; namely, ones that require men to be strong and unable to express vulnerable feelings: “My sister was afraid of nothing, but even as we circled the pond, I could see her trying to stifle her shivering from me…She would never be what I was, a boy, a burgeoning man, with all the manliness, the tolerance for pain that implied. It was better she learned this from me than from the world,” (121). His reported feelings about his sister gives a foundation to this statement that he says once she is out of the pond: “Maybe I just wanted to take the feeling of invincibility,” (128).
At the end of the chapter, Arash explicitly expresses that he wants to expel his shame into Roya. When they were walking home, he says, “I walked Roya back to our house, her pride giving way to shivers… I did give her my coat eventually, even though I wanted her to suffer, even though I wanted her to feel ashamed,” (129).
Importantly, this memory happened two years before the “pee incident” occurred. It would be safe to assume that this desire to expel shame led him to pee directly on his sister. Though this is unrealistic in real life, the metaphor is powerful.
Conclusion
Overall, Arash’s internalized pressures and his enlistment in the military lead him to feel unable to express fear and vulnerability. When he was in the military, he was unable to feel fear. This prompted a childhood memory in which he wanted to transfer his shame and fear onto his sister. Two years later, he did just that by peeing on his sister.
Modern Day
Though we do not operate under rigid gender roles anymore, this dynamic of shame transfer happens often. When we realize how feelings of shame come from the system of the patriarchy, we can recognize that what shame tells us is not always true and work to heal ourselves from it.
References
Akbar, K. (2024). Martyr! [Novel]. Knopf.
Struggling with shame? here’s why it happens & how to heal. Firefly Therapy Austin. (2025, September 1). https://www.fireflytherapyaustin.com/when-shame-shows-up/
In Common Light 
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