The opposite of love is not hate, but fear. When someone expresses an act of hate, it often is an expression of fear.
In this post, I will:
- explain how, in modern society, fear primarily serves the ego
- discuss how love grounds us amidst fear
- consider how people lacking love seek safety
- illustrate the dangers of a society that rewards fear
- offer practical guidance for cultivating more love
Fear Only Serves the Ego
The Evolutionary Benefit of Fear
Fear evolved as a survival mechanism to protect us from danger. Fear is “caused by particular patterns of threat-related stimuli” and produces “patterns of adaptive behaviors to avoid or cope with that threat,” (Adolphs, 2013).
Modern Day Fear
The fear response has not caught up to our modern-day environment. Because physical survival is no longer our main priority, our fear mainly is based on the other key survival factor: connection. Most modern day fears stem from a perceived threat to our ability to connect.
Because social connections kept us safe just like food and shelter did, threats to connection trigger the same stress response that fear does. One study found that, “threats to social connection are processed by some of the same neural regions that process basic threats to survival and consequently trigger physiological threat responses,” (Eisenberger, 2013).
As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker from a private practice puts it: “Your brain might react to public speaking or a difficult conversation with the same intensity it would use for escaping a predator,” (Tappana, 2025).
Why would public speaking and a difficult conservation feel like a threat to connection? They threaten our ego – that part of us that we construct for people to gain approval from others, to gain connection. Public speaking may be anxiety inducing because you want it to go well, you do not want to be humiliated. Our sense of worth may feel dependent on performance, competence, or perceived intelligence. If we mess up, we may feel that a pillar to survival is threatened. Similarly, a difficult conversation may lead to conflict such as rejection or not feeling seen or heard, threatening positive social ties, and back to threatening connection.
When we feel that our ego is threatened – when we feel that we are not enough – this is when we mostly fear losing out on connection.
Perceived Safety Can Come from Love
Love helps dissolve the fear of missing out on connections. For starters, self-love helps to dissolve the ego. It reminds us that we are worthy as we are, no matter if we mess up during a public speech. It also reminds us that even if we have some minor conflict with a person, that they won’t reject us right then and there. When we lack love from others, it becomes harder to love ourselves—and in turn, harder to love others. To find love for ourselves, we can engage in self – love (more on this at the end of the post).
Resorting to Power Over Others
When we do not have the experience of love, or when we feel unworthy of receiving it, we may become unable to dissolve the ego. Preserving the ego keeps us susceptible to listening to modern-day fear.
As famous psychoanalyst Carl Jung says
"Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking," (1993).
By listening to this fear, we may resort to an external source to secure connections: power. We may seek out or cling to social power. Social power gives us the idea of a secured connection because it offers us special advantages, benefits, and allures. These advantages, benefits, and allures may give us the perception of connection, the possibility of people coming close to us. Social power gives us a bit of assurance that connection could come our way.
However, social power does not give us the true connection that we are after. Social power weakens our ability to connect to other people, dampens our empathy, and only leaves us attracting people that like us for our power, not for who we are.
The Dangers of Rewarding Fear
We can chose to rid ourselves of this modern-day fear or listen to it. A society that rewards fear doesn’t really give us this option. A society that rewards fear keeps that society devoid of love. When fear is rewarded or enabled, it discourages people from seeking love.
According to neuroscience, we listen to fear, it tells our brains that what we avoided was actually dangerous (“Understanding the anxiety-avoidance cycle”). When we avoid situations, for example, based on fear, our brain takes the cognition that what we avoided actually was dangerous. This reinforces fear and keeps its hold on you. Thus, if a society itself takes narratives based on fear and listens to them, they reinforce fear. Then, this makes it harder for people to rid themselves of the fear, to dissolve the ego, and find love within themselves and to spread love to others.
The Benefit of Choosing Love
My hope is that all of us feel love in its abundance. We need more love, because we see people spewing hate, expressing fear. To find more love, you can cultivate self-love. While many sources discuss self-love, here are a few of my suggestions:
- Be aware of your inner dialogue and try to reframe negative thoughts into positive thoughts.
- Heal any childhood limiting beliefs, such as contingent love or shame.
- Spend more time doing things that are healthy for you and that you love.
When we choose love over fear, we feel love come back to ourselves. As Nancy Colier, a national speaker, author and therapist puts it, “In the moments when we have the strength to choose love over fear, we are rewarded not only with the knowledge and confidence that we have done something incredibly challenging and beautiful, but also, with the gift of experiencing ourselves as love, and something infinitely more than just the small, fragile ego we thought we were and so desperately needed to protect,” (Colier, 2018).
Conclusion
The opposite of love is fear, and to feel more love within yourself, it is important to recognize that fear is rooted in the preservation of the ego. You can cultivate self-love, which is a great tool for not only more positive emotions but also for a better world.
References
Adolphs, R. (2013, January 21). The Biology of Fear. Current biology : CB. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3595162/
Colier, N. (2018, February 22). Choosing love not fear. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inviting-monkey-tea/201802/choosing-love-not-fear
Eisenberger, N. I. (2013, June). Social ties and Health: A Social Neuroscience Perspective. Current opinion in neurobiology. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3664098/
Jung, C. G. (1993). Psychology of the Unconscious: A Study of the Transformations and Symbolisms of the Libido. Routledge.
MediLexicon International. (n.d.). Anxiety and avoidance behaviors: Causes and management. Medical News Today. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/anxiety-avoidance
Tappana, J. (2025, October 1). Understanding fear: When protection becomes prison. Aspire Counseling. https://aspirecounselingmo.com/blog/tkynvx1m2mineeny2nswh4mv82h4hs#:~:text=Fear%20is%20one%20of%20our,of%20being%20controlled%20by%20it.
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